How do you even begin to articulate this stage in life? I’ve never been so besieged with thoughts, feelings, emotions, hormones, and bouts of lethargy, while at the same time the happiest I’ve ever been—happy from the depths of my soul. From the moment I wake up until I haphazardly fall asleep, I’m in awe of this little miracle. She breathes. She sighs. She sleeps. She laughs. And she looks at me like she knows me better than anyone else ever could. She is the best of us. We created her. Life as we know it right now is pulling from two polar opposite places and somewhere in the middle, we’re existing in a haze of weary bliss.
Even the blatant honesty of things—my body is the softest and lumpiest it’s ever been—doesn’t faze me. I’m the strongest I’ve ever felt. Birth made me a warrior, a fierce mama bear, and more passionate about helping women and women’s rights. I have more respect for single mothers and working mothers and single-working mothers. I don’t know how they do it all. It’s probably because they don’t have time to talk about it. The talkers are rarely the doers. In fact one of my clients has a saying, “If you’ve got time to lean, then you’ve got time to clean.” Ain’t that the truth?
But I’m not going to lie—I have help. I declined the whole nanny and night nurse thing because I don’t have to clean, unlike my mother. She did it all, and with three kids nonetheless, while my dad spent months on the road working. At night she was a cop, and in the day she was a mom, cook, housekeeper, nurse, tutor, and best friend. If I can just be half the mom that she was, Darlington will be the luckiest little girl.
Another amazing woman who inspired my foundation into motherhood is my best friend Kathryn. I was fortunate enough to witness her become a mother before me. She was a successful attorney, as was her husband, but she decided to put her career on hold to rear their two children and support her husband’s ambitions.
I asked her how she could give everything up. Before Darlington I imagined I’d gladly hire a night nurse to get a good night’s sleep and consider putting my child in daycare. Then in one answer, she completely changed my way of thinking and thus, is the inspiration for my first three months as a mother. You only get this one chance in these precious few months. You can go back to work, but you can’t go back to these times with your baby.
I never thought I’d be one to cry over spilled milk—and not just once, but twice—to completely lose my shit, standing over the kitchen sink and mumbling no…no…why me?
