Over the last month, I’ve been aggressively de-cluttering. This has led to me uncovering old journals, letters, notes to myself, scribbles here and there, and tiny snippets of who I was years ago. There were a couple things that took me by surprise while reading through all these things. First, as a twenty-one-year-old I was unbelievably self-confident. Second, I was bursting at the seams with passion, drive, and purpose. Reading through those journals, I don’t recognize my thoughts, my voice, my absolute certainty in all that I wrote. I have no recollection of ever feeling so sure of myself.
There were some parts (most parts) that made me either cringe or laugh or both. Here’s a particularly humiliating yet hilarious excerpt:
I’m sad b/c I’m not watching Vampire Diaries tonight. It’s such a guilty pleasure. I know it’s only here because of the latest vampire fetish going on in popular media, instigated by Twilight and True Blood, but I liked vampires way before any of this. It bums me out b/c by the time I’ve made a name for myself, they will probably be on the decline in popularity which means I’d have to wait a few more years before revisiting my vampire musical.
Yes, you read that correctly. At one time, I dreamed of writing a vampire musical. And not a campy one. A serious one. Oh, Courtney, Courtney, Courtney. You strange and wonderful girl. (In all seriousness, I need to watch The Originals. I heard that show is awesome!) And let’s not ignore the “by the time I’ve made a name for myself” comment. I was obsessed with being famous, and that obsession is all over my journal. Despite the ridiculousness, as I read on, it hit me how much my internal monologue has changed over the last ten years, not necessarily for the better. I’m not as in touch with my gut as I was back then. My point of view on people, the world, myself wasn’t nearly as clouded by self-doubt or anxiety. There was a lot of naiveté but also a lot of optimism and joy. My pure belief in self was astounding.
Like in that excerpt, for example. There was zero doubt that the vampire musical was happening. Not one speckle. I want to feel that sure of myself again!
So for our last week to reflect on shine, I’ve gathered some wisdom from my own journals. It feels a bit like fate that I found these journals around the same time that Joanna supplied us with this amazing quote by Anaïs Nin, a woman famous for her deeply introspective and insightful journals. I’m no Anaïs Nin (not by a long shot), but after reading my own journals, here are the top five lessons I’ll keep in the forefront of my mind as I go forward in life.
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