Our stylish relationship column continues today, with a new twist on the classic waiting game. Read on for Toni’s candid advice on virginity and vote in today’s poll.
Dear Toni,
I’m a sophomore at a small parochial school, and I’m feeling pressured into having sex by my boyfriend. To tell you the truth, I feel some pressure from my girl friends, too. My boyfriend is hot, and he’s nice to me, and I don’t want to lose him. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give it up, though.
Because of my parents’ religious beliefs, I can’t talk to my mom about these things. Knowing her, she’ll just freak and call everyone’s parents. I’ve been thinking that it wouldn’t hurt to compromise on certain things, and that way I can keep my boyfriend but technically still be a virgin. What do you think?
YL
Dear YL,
I see where you’re headed here, and there’s no such thing as an everything-but-virgin. It’s an urban legend, like a Chupacabra or Bigfoot or that stalker guy with the hook hand. I for one, am tired of men with congested testicles making decisions on our behalf. If Monica Lewinsky taught Americans anything, it’s that oral sex by definition is sex.
YL, I’m not your mother, nor am I a doctor. I’m not going to try and convince you to wait until marriage. Instead I’d like you to consider waiting until you’re finished with high school, and maybe until you’re old enough to drink, for your first time. In fact, your first drink may end up being more enjoyable. Here’s why.
According to BMJ Group, 54% of women wish they’d waited longer for their first time. From my own research conducted from my pool of grown-ass women friends, every source confirmed that they’d prefer a warm bath and chocolate to their first sexual encounter.
That said, it sounds like your classmates are of the norm, since 70-90% of adolescents have sexual intercourse by the age of 18, as reported in Psychology Today. Of that percentage, Relationship Matters states that most of those adolescents won’t marry until their mid-to-late twenties. That’s almost a decade of being single, and with women averaging two sexual partners per year, the numbers will add up. Dallas may seem like a big city, but it can become real small, real fast, and you don’t want to be forced into the Witness Relocation Program just to find a date.
And the eye-opening numbers don’t stop there. Just because men are at their physical sexual peak around 18 years old, doesn’t mean that their performance is at its peak, too. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) reported that 31% of boys 16-17 years of age (your age group) are receiving oral sex from girls, but only 18% reported giving it. Now, when adult males were interviewed, 85% stated that their female partner had an orgasm during their last encounter, but only 64% of those women reported actually having one. So, Grasshopper, your compromises today will set the tone for your future.
Don’t jump off that cliff into the drama- and potentially STD-ridden abyss, just because everyone’s doing it. Let your friends make their own choices – that hopefully won’t require prescription cream or treatment. There should be no compromising when it comes to intimate acts. Remember: One day you’ll kiss your husband and your kids with those lips.
Until Next Time,
Toni
Written for DFW Style Daily
